I don’t know when or if Amazon will post the review, but I had fun doing it. Heck, if I can someday make a career out of reviewing sex products, I’ll be a happy camper.

I had a sex dream last night about a friend that I don’t typically think of sexually (and that statement in and of itself narrows it down more than you might think). Not only that, but a mass of my other friends were having incongruous sex in the background. By incongruous, I mean, they were having sex that does not fit their sexual orientation and/or preferences. It was all in this hotel room. We were on vacation somewhere near a beach, with a small movie theatre attached to the hotel, and we were sneaking into this room. The friend, who shall henceforth be designated “Z” in this post to avoid awkward phrasings, had invited me to this sex room, and it quite upset the others, because I guess it was some sort of “Rule 1: You don’t talk about the sex room. Rule 2: You DON’T TALK ABOUT THE SEX ROOM.” sort of thing. First, we were spooning, which I guess is a result of how I was somewhat spooning the couch (eew, considering what happens later, I hope I didn’t deflower my couch…I was wearing pajama pants at least). Then, the other “couple” on the bed finished each other off in a spectacular fashion, and then we started going at it, and it was very good.

Afterward though, it was very awkward because we had to keep this secret, and Z was/is involved with someone else…plus there’s the whole Rule 1/Rule 2 thing. But, we had the hots for each other and we kept sneaking off to the room. (I blame The Office‘s premiere ep for that, now that I think about it…I watched it right before bed.)

Well, I woke up from my Z dream when Scott came to kiss me goodbye before he left for work. I told him about the dream and its subject (including the identity of Z and some of the other people who had cameo appearances), and he laughed at the oddity of it. Then, I drifted back off to sleep for another hour or so, and I dreamt that I was telling Z, for real, in my house, about the dream…and I was telling Z that I never thought of him that way. Z said something like, “That’s too bad.” Z then kissed me viciously, tore our clothes off, and did me soundly right on the kitchen table.

Yeah, dream Z is kind of hot. Not that real-life Z isn’t a bit of a hottie in my book already, but he managed to fall into that rare-for-me niche of being untouchable, even in fantasy…at least until now.

I guess the moral of this story is that I’m clearly hard up for some lovin’…and easily influenced by whatever I see or hear right before I go to sleep. Oh, and I wonder how many people who read this think that they’re Z.

Yesterday afternoon, in the midst of my Kindle-inspired activities, I got a text message from a guy I’ve previously crushed on asking about coming over.

Have you ever gotten a text (or call or doorbell) in the middle of reading and (ahem) USING porn? I don’t know if my reaction is common, but I apparently was in porn reasoning mode. That is, the sender MUST simply want to fuck me…otherwise, why would he text me? And even if he doesn’t, I’ll just answer the door scantily clad and wanton, and fucking will commence, right?

Fortunately, logic kicked in, and I re-read things from a sane point of view before replying…but the phenomenon amused me, so I had to share.

The V of Happiness (PowerPoint Slideshow) – Free PPT viewer from Microsoft available at this link, if you need it

(Oh, and due to the nature of this, I’ll probably tear the link down in a couple of weeks.)

Now, I kind of want to write a drabble about Dumbledore fucking himself with the memory of meeting Voldemort. Hee.

All right, listen closely. I’m not gonna beat around the bush. [riotous laughter at his own joke] Your little body’s changing. It’s all good, believe me. Problem now is, every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So. First order of business: no more socks. They’re expensive, gummin’ up the works, plumbing-wise. You might be thinking to yourself, “But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can’t spew it into Mr. Sock? Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin’ the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation’s fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we’re gonna need some other options here. So let’s start with the basics. Tissues — perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian. Can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid. Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricated splat-catchers. Specifically — bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching. [visual aid with hand] Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also: olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline all can be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube? Is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. All right. Moving on. When you tug your thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don’t mind tossing after tossing. There’s no such thing as polishing the raised sceptre of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you’re a solo artist, you’ll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right. Class dismissed.

I think that should be required reading for all dudes-to-be. In fact, I wish Uncle Andy had a regular spot doing sex ed for dudes.

Transcription by Wing Chun, over at TWoP (I’m also catching up on recaps, and as I woke up at 5am this morning, I’m sagging a bit this afternoon and recaps are about all I’m up to doing.)

So, I talked to my NP about my history, my present, and my overall philosophies on stuff. As is usual for me, I requested a full blood test for STDs in additional to the usual tests. I also asked about Gardasil, the HPV vaccine. I’m outside of the age range for it, but I was curious if it could still be effective at my age and whether it was worth exploring for me. She said that it was, unfortunately, not likely to be effective, but that she could test me for HPV. HPV tests are something they typically do for women age 30 and up, and I’m not quite there yet, but I agreed that I wanted to be tested almost immediately. I also asked about getting a thyroid screening, since I have a relative who has recently been diagnosed with a thyroid disorder. She said that’d be no problem, so two cervical swabs and 3 vials of blood later, my info was off to the lab.

Today, I got all my test results back: negative on all the blood tests, pap came back normal, but the HPV came back positive. So, what does that mean? It means that I have something that 80% of all women have by age 50. It means I have a slightly higher risk of cervical cancer than I did before we knew this. It means that if I ever do show up with an abnormal pap, it warrants more attention than it would have before.

Oh and by the way, because I wasn’t clear on this until a few months ago, HPV does not equal genital warts. There are different strains of HPV, and from what I understand, that’s not the kind I have. (I have the cancer-related kind, not the wart-related kind.) HPV is also not permanent. In many people, their immune system kills it off pretty quickly. Thus, I’m getting tested again in six months to see if the HPV is gone or if it’s hanging around…and a repeat pap to make sure no abnormalities have come up.

Long story short, this is probably about the least big deal kind of thing that someone with my predilections could hope to run into. Nonetheless, if there’s anything that I’ve learned in the past 12 hours, it’s that lots of people are totally unaware of HPV and quite a few people are really misinformed about it…so I figured it’s worthwhile to blog about it and get the word out a bit. Basically, it’s more likely that you or your partner has it than that they don’t. Being able to test for it is a relatively new thing. Previously, the only way you found out was that you had a series of abnormal paps, and then you found out that you had pre-cancer if not full blown cancer. So, getting tested means you are more likely to catch a cancer instance earlier, which drastically reduces the impact.

PSA for the day: Get tested for HPV, and if you test positive or a friend does, don’t panic.

I think slathering my brackets with wax will fix the issue. I ordered a bunch of the good wax in bulk from an online store. Once it arrives, I’ll attempt the slathering method. Until then, I only have one stick of wax left, and I need it to last me until the shipment comes.