By popular demand, here is the video review that I recently did for the Amazon Vine program, for KY Intense Gel for Her. 
I don’t know when or if Amazon will post the review, but I had fun doing it. Heck, if I can someday make a career out of reviewing sex products, I’ll be a happy camper. 
…which I will put after the jump since the content, though filled with euphemism and thus *almost* work safe (but not quite due to some R language), may squig some of my readers.
Everyone has a favorite part. Mine has no official name. I call it the V of Happiness. For fun, I made a quick presentation about this part, and how it has played heavily into my enjoyment of the Olympics. One slide is not safe for work. You’ve been warned.
The V of Happiness (PowerPoint Slideshow) – Free PPT viewer from Microsoft available at this link, if you need it
(Oh, and due to the nature of this, I’ll probably tear the link down in a couple of weeks.)
Does it bother anyone else that, in the HP:HBP trailer, memories look very much like dildos?
Now, I kind of want to write a drabble about Dumbledore fucking himself with the memory of meeting Voldemort. Hee.
I’ve started watching Weeds (via Amazon Unbox) to fill in the summer TV doldrums. I’m about 70% through season 2. Below is the most awesome speech about male masturbation I’ve ever heard on TV…possibly anywhere…as spoken by an uncle informing his dad-less nephew, who has been flushing used socks down the toilet:
All right, listen closely. I’m not gonna beat around the bush. [riotous laughter at his own joke] Your little body’s changing. It’s all good, believe me. Problem now is, every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So. First order of business: no more socks. They’re expensive, gummin’ up the works, plumbing-wise. You might be thinking to yourself, “But Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can’t spew it into Mr. Sock? Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tuggin’ the tiger in the shower each morning; that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation’s fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we’re gonna need some other options here. So let’s start with the basics. Tissues — perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian. Can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid. Ouch. From there, we move on to more lubricated splat-catchers. Specifically — bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching. [visual aid with hand] Now, for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also: olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline all can be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube? Is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. All right. Moving on. When you tug your thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don’t mind tossing after tossing. There’s no such thing as polishing the raised sceptre of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you’re a solo artist, you’ll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. All right. Class dismissed.
I think that should be required reading for all dudes-to-be. In fact, I wish Uncle Andy had a regular spot doing sex ed for dudes.
Transcription by Wing Chun, over at TWoP (I’m also catching up on recaps, and as I woke up at 5am this morning, I’m sagging a bit this afternoon and recaps are about all I’m up to doing.)
I got two calls from my gyn office this morning. I just recently switched to a new office. I actually saw a Nurse Practitioner instead of a doctor, which is wicked cool to me, especially since my Aunt is a NP. She was extremely cool. I was also careful in selecting a new office. At the last place, it took me 3 appointments to find someone who didn’t want to either presume I wanted kids or disparage me for having casual (but safe) sex. Once I found her, I stuck with her, but with the move to Gurnee, working in LV, and doing so much travel for work, it’s gotten really hard to find a time that I can get down to Palatine to see her. So…I started a hunt for a new place, and I’m really happy with the one I found. I called several places and asked about their office policies on alternative lifestyles, whether I could do primary care screenings with them, too (saves me a visit somewhere else), and what kind of hours they offer for appointments. It wasn’t always fun making those pre-calls, but making them gave me really good information such that I felt much more comfortable at that first visit than I would have otherwise.
So, I talked to my NP about my history, my present, and my overall philosophies on stuff. As is usual for me, I requested a full blood test for STDs in additional to the usual tests. I also asked about Gardasil, the HPV vaccine. I’m outside of the age range for it, but I was curious if it could still be effective at my age and whether it was worth exploring for me. She said that it was, unfortunately, not likely to be effective, but that she could test me for HPV. HPV tests are something they typically do for women age 30 and up, and I’m not quite there yet, but I agreed that I wanted to be tested almost immediately. I also asked about getting a thyroid screening, since I have a relative who has recently been diagnosed with a thyroid disorder. She said that’d be no problem, so two cervical swabs and 3 vials of blood later, my info was off to the lab.
Today, I got all my test results back: negative on all the blood tests, pap came back normal, but the HPV came back positive. So, what does that mean? It means that I have something that 80% of all women have by age 50. It means I have a slightly higher risk of cervical cancer than I did before we knew this. It means that if I ever do show up with an abnormal pap, it warrants more attention than it would have before.
Oh and by the way, because I wasn’t clear on this until a few months ago, HPV does not equal genital warts. There are different strains of HPV, and from what I understand, that’s not the kind I have. (I have the cancer-related kind, not the wart-related kind.) HPV is also not permanent. In many people, their immune system kills it off pretty quickly. Thus, I’m getting tested again in six months to see if the HPV is gone or if it’s hanging around…and a repeat pap to make sure no abnormalities have come up.
Long story short, this is probably about the least big deal kind of thing that someone with my predilections could hope to run into. Nonetheless, if there’s anything that I’ve learned in the past 12 hours, it’s that lots of people are totally unaware of HPV and quite a few people are really misinformed about it…so I figured it’s worthwhile to blog about it and get the word out a bit. Basically, it’s more likely that you or your partner has it than that they don’t. Being able to test for it is a relatively new thing. Previously, the only way you found out was that you had a series of abnormal paps, and then you found out that you had pre-cancer if not full blown cancer. So, getting tested means you are more likely to catch a cancer instance earlier, which drastically reduces the impact.
PSA for the day: Get tested for HPV, and if you test positive or a friend does, don’t panic.
Last night, Scott & I attempted oral sex (me on him) with the braces. It was my first attempt since getting them, as I had to wait for the extractions to heal up before I could really apply suction. I’m sad to say that it was an utter failure. He was absolutely fine. It’s not like part of my BJ technique is to rub his man parts up against my teeth. But, I was in pain while doing it. To open my mouth in the way needed, my lips were stretched against the braces. Thus, I was scraping the insides of my mouth against the brackets the whole time.
I think slathering my brackets with wax will fix the issue. I ordered a bunch of the good wax in bulk from an online store. Once it arrives, I’ll attempt the slathering method. Until then, I only have one stick of wax left, and I need it to last me until the shipment comes.
